National Certified Counselor

Grief is the normal emotional response to perceived loss. It is most commonly recognized as associated with death. However, it is experienced even with minor losses, although less intensely. Significant change in health status, or loss of ability, is a life crisis that can be scary and evoke an intense emotional response. The intensity of the grief depends on the expected duration of the problem, and the amount of impact on daily activities.

In addition to experiencing a loss of function, people may experience social losses from not being able to participate in activities as usual, or not fitting in with their peer group. Children are especially vulnerable to the experience of social loss, which may be compounded by being made fun of or being rejected by peers.

The 5 Stages of Grief were first defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. Although the stages generally occur in order, it is also a process characterized by progress and regression. That is, it may be experienced as a sequence of two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes stages will be experienced completely out of order as well.

Denial

The first stage is a state of shock that protects the perception of personal stability by denying that anything is wrong. Statements such as “it will all be ok”, “this can’t be happening”, and “that must be wrong” are typical at this stage. At this stage people slowly move into the realization that whatever loss they are experiencing is real. People who get stuck at this stage have trouble with taking the actions needed for recovery because they are not seen as necessary.

Bargaining

The second stage is characterized by consideration of actions that might eliminate the loss, and facilitate a return to normal life. People sometimes speculate about “what if...” or “if only…”, and even attempt to make bargains with God. At this stage, people are starting to move beyond denial, but have not yet completely moved out of shock.

Anger

As the denial wears off, and people start to come to the realization that bargaining won’t work, they become angry. Anger and blame for the situation may be focused in many directions, warranted or not. One may experience self blame, become upset with loved ones, or with strangers. Anger may also be directed at objects or events. Sometimes anger is even directed at one’s Higher Power.

Depression

As people grow into the realization that the loss is real and inevitable they become sad, which can be experienced very intensely. In addition to tearfulness, people may experience tiredness and increased sleep, avoidance of social contacts, increased or decreased appetite, difficulty focusing on tasks, and other difficulties with normal daily living. Sometimes people are not able to move into the next stage without assistance, and become stuck in a depressive state. If symptoms continue for an extended period of time, a biochemical reaction can develop, and a Mood Disorder can result. Therefore, it is important to get professional help if depression persists.

Acceptance/ Resolution

The final stage is when people are able to adapt to the change that has occurred. If they are creative about it they grow from the experience and at least have a sense of increased personal strength for making it through. They may also be able to identify unforeseen ways in which their life is better than it was before, and develop a new sense of personal freedom. Sometimes the focus of this stage is on personal growth.

Moving Through the Process

In any stage, looking forward to the thought processes and emotional responses of the next stage can help one to process events more thoroughly, and more quickly. That is, when one is experiencing Denial and starts thinking “this can’t be happening”, they can move the process forward by looking for the types of thoughts common in the Bargaining stage. When they find themselves thinking about “bargains”, they can move forward by finding what makes them angry about the situation. In this way, one is always looking to the next stage and consciously processing the life event.

By being determined that something better will result, one remains focused on what could be positive, and is more likely to discover a beneficial outcome. Sayings that promote this state of mind include “when a door closes a window opens”, “when a window closes a door opens”, and “where there is poop there is always a pony.” The goal is to locate the new door, or see the outcome goal as finding a prize.

Helping Others Grieve

Letting people talk about what they are going through, without judging their reactions, can promote progress. Empathetic responses that reflect what they are communicating, and prompt consideration of the next stage can also be helpful. For example, “it sounds like you are really angry about …, that must also be sad.” Helping them understand the process and recognize that it is normal can serve to preserve self confidence. Professional Counseling can assist individuals to explore their feelings, and find ways to adapt to their new situation.

People who are exposed to other’s losses will often experience emotional reactions as a witness. Close family members may also find that their lives are changing, and experience some losses directly. It is important to be aware of one’s own reactions, as they may create an emotional bias that impacts interactions with others. Even when people experience the same situation, they have different reactions based on their unique perspectives.

Janet Kaye Love is a Professional Counselor who works with youth who have a diverse range of physical, cognitive, and emotional abilities to assist them in reaching their full potential. She also provides programs to educate the public and professional care givers about issues related to ability differences.

© Janet Kaye Love

7333 East Highway 290 Suite 103, Austin, TX 78723

512-782-2943

Permission granted to distribute for therapeutic purposes, as long as no changes are made to any part of the document including contact information.